next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
