i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
