Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
