I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
sex in a hospital.. check
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
