Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
