I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
