i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
