first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize