does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
