and you said cock pushups were impossible
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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