WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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