My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
