btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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