so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize