stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
