I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
