do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
