I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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