Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
