I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
