I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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