Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
