he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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