Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
