i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
