I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
