I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
