The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
