True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize