According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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