I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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