It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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