I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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