your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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