It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
