just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
