She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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