My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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