I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
