I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
