I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
