Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
