So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
