took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
