Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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