Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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