So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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