paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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