On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
