my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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