If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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