he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
