tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
