why didn't you poke me back
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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