I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
