ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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