wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
