I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
