I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
