sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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