I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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