I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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