Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
