I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
